Dear Singles,
“…Grace, mercy, and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord.” 1 Timothy 1:2
Casey talked with me about my last letter. She stated that I might have been a little too stern. My apologies. I will try to be on my best behavior moving forward.
My Beloved sitting at my table, I had mentioned in my last letter that you are a part of the Church as well. Did you not think I would turn my attention to you? What kind of a season would I be if I did not also address you, my people?
I know that it is so frustrating to hear these clichés. Please know that I believe they say all of these things out of love, but no it doesn’t make it any easier to hear them. None of the hurt is intentional. They hurt for you and want to ease the burden, yet they do not know how. They need to grow in how they carry you, and you and I need to do our best to cover them in grace in the meantime. Also, communicate if something they say is not helpful. Maybe help them by coming alongside them and pointing them toward what would be more beneficial, not just for you but for your other brothers and sisters. I know we would prefer not to have to teach others how to hold us well, but this can go both ways. May we all be willing to grow together.
Let me address something. I know some of you are waiting for someone who keeps telling you that they need to get their ducks in a row before they can move forward in a relationship with you. That can be a legitimate reason for a short time, but if they continue saying the same thing a year or so down the road, you may need to consider whether you are waiting for something that is actually going to happen. I have never seen anyone get their ducks fully in a row. Not to be discouraging, but duck herding might not ever end. It is a part of life. Frankly, I am not convinced the ducks cooperate. And if they do not now, they most definitely will not once you add your ducks to the row.
There is a difference between someone actively preparing for a relationship and someone perpetually postponing one under the guise of preparation. They might be comfortable keeping things where they are, but meanwhile, you may be allowing your own life to remain on hold. How much longer will you sit there, waiting as you watch them run in circles trying to get these ducks they speak of to listen? How long do you put your life on hold for someone who isn’t actually offering you a relationship? How long are you willing to pet sit their ducks while you wait? Don’t manufacture your own version of the false hope that “God will bring you a spouse in His timing” by building your future around someone who hasn’t offered you one.
I have heard some of you tell yourselves that you need to grow before you are married. There is a point to this, but you will never reach perfection. If you are controlled by your anger, lust, or other sinful patterns, I would suggest addressing those areas and pursuing growth before pursuing a relationship. What happens if those patterns begin hurting your future spouse? Yes, grow in those areas, but perfection is not a prerequisite for marriage. That isn’t going to happen, friend. There is only One who is perfect, and you are not Him. And if you do marry, grow with your partner!
Also, as you sit at my table, grow now, not just for the sake of marriage, but for your relationship with God. Your relationship with God is far more important than any other relationship you will ever have. Yes, grow toward being the man who would be able to lead his wife well. Grow toward being the woman who would partner with her husband well. But don’t make marriage the reason you pursue growth. Even if being a husband or wife is not in your future, you are called to be more like Christ regardless of your marital status. Grow in your love for God, because if you do get married, you should love God more than your spouse. Grow and bloom where you are planted here and now and continue to do so wherever God brings you.
When you think of having a partner who will fill that empty space beside you, do not forget a few things. One, God is still by your side. He will never leave you. No matter the changing of the seasons, you are not truly alone in this. I hope the Church learns to walk this life well with you, but I am thankful that God will always be faithful in His presence with you.
Also, if you are to have a spouse, look for the one with whom you can enjoy life, someone you can have fun with. I hope that you have a blast together! But also find the partner with whom you can suffer well. I know, we do not like to think about it. Yet, when life reminds you that it is not always butterflies and rainbows, you need to have the spouse who will stand by you as you do battle together. Ephesians 6:10–18 tells us that we are engaged in spiritual warfare and calls us to put on the full armor of God. We are all in a battle, and you must find the one who is battle-ready. They will not be perfect in it. Sometimes they may fall, as will you, but lean on God as you press forward together.
If you start dating someone, observe them. Who are they in the good times? And who are they when things get difficult? How they react in each scenario is very enlightening as you consider who they may be in the future. If they react in the “worst way possible” to a hard season in your dating relationship, do not deceive yourself into believing they will suddenly change once you are married. Marriage itself will not magically transform the patterns you are already seeing. Yes, that one reaction might have been a one-and-done failure on their part, and they may never act that way again. Look not only at the failure, but at what they do after the failure. Did they take responsibility for their actions? Did they apologize without blaming you? Did they ask for forgiveness? Did you see evidence of their pursuit of change? Or did they minimize their actions, justify them, blame their circumstances or even you, and repeat their behavior? Sometimes what you have observed is all you need to see, and it is time to go. Do give grace, but take notes and watch for patterns.
I am just going to pause here to address a few things that should be your sign to get out of a relationship. You can extend grace, and you can forgive them, but exit the relationship right then and there, no matter how much they say they love you.
If they lay hands on you in anger, I must say that even if it seems out of character for them, get out and get somewhere safe. And do not go back to them. You have seen all you need to see. If their anger has so much control over them that they hit you, it is past time to go. I do not care if you are a man or a woman. Do not allow that to remain in your present, and most definitely do not invite it into your future.
Another thing: if they pressure you to go past your boundaries, especially if they continue to pressure you to have sex before marriage, run. If they pressure you to the point that they say they will leave you if you do not step over the boundaries you have created, I say good. Open the door for them. Wave them out. I will have their seat at my table waiting for them, but it will be facing the corner until they figure it out for their future without you. If they are pressuring you to compromise your sexual boundaries, your convictions, and your relationship with God, what more might they try later? Again, it is time for them to go. Being alone again is far better than staying in a relationship with someone who pressures you to go against what God has called us to do. Do not fear returning to my table so much that you compromise your convictions to keep a seat at someone else’s table.
I know many of you are lamenting this season. Many of you did not foresee your time at my table lasting so long when you looked at your hopes and dreams for your life. You had hoped you would have a partner to do life with long ago. You dreamed of a mate you could go on adventures with, run or bike with, dance in the rain with, travel with, worship God with, go to Church with, grow closer to God with, and build each other up. You thought of having a partner to walk through all the seasons with. The one with whom you could have fun, but also the one who would fight by your side in this battle that is life.
Some of you thought you would have two kids by now, with their names etched in your mind so long ago, hoping your future spouse would love your name ideas, but realizing that compromise might need to happen. You ache with the feeling of empty arms, not holding your babies or teaching them the way they should go.
When you get those cards in the mail, an invitation to a wedding shower or baby shower, your automatic response might be grief, and then you wrestle with whether you are going to go. Going is hard because you know that you are going to another one of these by yourself. Yet, as you check the box that says “one” instead of “one plus one,” you remind yourself that lament over my presence can sit in the same place as rejoicing with those who rejoice.
So, you go to that wedding. You dance with the couple and wedding party for hours because you are celebrating something good with them. You then drop off your honorary, also-single “plus one” after singing and dancing with them in your car. Then, on your drive home, you turn off the music you have been pumping through the speakers and make the drive in silence, grieving and lamenting your season, asking God when it is your turn and promising Him that you are still working on your patience.
Yet you feel as if this might be the loneliest you have ever felt as you decide you need to get ice cream before you pass the grocery store. It is like a reward for going, rejoicing, and being fully present even as your heart still ached for the things you wished you had.
“I’m happy for them. Really, I am, but when is it my turn?” you think as you sit there, still in your beautiful dress or handsome suit, digging into the ice cream or other snack of choice in your empty living room or bedroom. My friend, you are not alone in this. God is there. He is present, and He is carrying you in it. Let me also remind you of what He has already said. He sees you. He knows you. He has not left you. You went despite knowing how difficult it would be. You did not invalidate your own feelings, but you made room for their joy as well, and you rejoiced with them! He does not shame you for needing time to eat your ice cream while sitting with your feelings and telling Him about them. So do not shame yourself for it.
To my Beloved who once left my table and now find yourselves back, whether through divorce or the passing of a spouse, my heart aches for you too. I recognize that you might need to take time to grieve what once was. You might need to take time away from weddings. Take that time. Those who love and know you will understand. If they do not, do know that many at my table understand your reasons for your absence. Take the time your heart needs to heal. Congratulate them when you see them next. Their joy is still worth celebrating, even when it brushes against your own grief in ways words cannot express.
My Beloved, I know that some of you find yourselves content at my table, and you welcome it like Paul. I also know some of you would leave my table tomorrow if you could, while trying to be patient in the meantime. The uncertainty itself is very difficult. Wherever you find yourself at this table, do not waste the life God has given you today longing so deeply for another season that you find yourself missing what He has given you in this one.
Sincerely,
Singleness
Selah: If you are single, have you been wondering when your life will start, or are you living the life God has given you now? Are you giving yourself space to lament what you had hoped would be while still making room to rejoice in what God is doing in your life? Whatever table you are sitting at today, remember Who sits at the head of each table. Our seasons may change, but I am thankful that God will not.
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