A Sparrow's Selah

Dear Church,

“Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Galatians 1:3)

I have heard my people discussing how you carry them. I have sat in silence for far too long, but I can’t bear it any longer.

Church, I believe we need to speak about the way you address my people. I know you love them, but sometimes it seems as though you do not quite know what to do with them.

For example, when there is a need for help with childcare or other ministries within the Church, my people are often among the first called upon to volunteer. They are singled out from the pulpit. Casey stated I should note that the pun was not intended. I have heard it said that because they have greater freedom and more time, they are some of the best people to ask.

I have watched many of my people, Church. What time?

Some of them are working constantly, perhaps more than they should. For some, the loneliness of my presence drives them to keep their schedules full so they don’t have to feel it quite so deeply. Also, in this economy, carrying the financial responsibilities of a household on one income is no small burden. Sometimes, Church, they are simply a busy people. Please do not diminish their drive, hard work, or exhaustion simply because their lives do not fit within the family demographic of your congregation.

I am also glad when they make time for outings with fellow single friends. They need that, but those relationships require time as well. Many of them do not have children, and yes, those without a spouse may have freedoms that married people do not. But please, Church, do not take one of their points of grief and use it to pressure them into serving. Yes, if they are able, it is a good thing for them to serve, but please do not use the pulpit to turn their singleness into an obligation to serve.

Also, it is not always necessary to give them a Singles Sunday School class. There can be great value in gathering with others who understand this specific season of life, especially for those stepping out of college and learning to navigate adulthood on their own. But as my people grow and mature, singleness does not necessarily need to remain the defining characteristic by which they are grouped within the Church. Some may find that they have more in common with others in their age group and/or stage of adulthood than with someone much younger who simply shares their marital status. By no means am I saying that people of different ages cannot have deep, meaningful friendships that edify and encourage one another. That is certainly not the case. Sometimes, separating my people into groups based on marital status alone leaves them feeling more isolated from the Church. They may begin to feel as if they have been set apart from the rest of the body rather than being welcomed warmly as part of it. Though creating the class might be filled with good intentions, it can unintentionally reinforce the very feelings of isolation that you had hoped to relieve.

I know of a Church that has a Singles Sunday School class for those in their twenties, but as soon as they go into their thirties, they are integrated into classes with others in their decade. When I heard that this Church was doing this, I was overjoyed because I have watched many of my people struggle to find that kind of community. In many singles classes that contain a vast range of age groups, I have observed that many of the lessons tend to be geared toward the younger age group and those who have never been married. But what about those who are in their thirties and are still single? What about those who are, yes, single now, but are divorced or widowed? What about my people who are single parents? When I saw that this Church was developing these classes, I almost cheered, for I knew that my people were given a place to have a Singles Class, but they were not expected to remain separated from the rest of the body indefinitely simply because I was still sitting beside them.

I have heard some of you, Church, tell my people that because they are not married, they cannot have a voice when speaking about marriage or children. Church, they might not have firsthand experience in those matters, but some of my people possess great wisdom in them. Some of them have spent their whole lives sitting at my table while also being invited to share a meal at yours. While sharing meals and quality time, they have watched the inner workings from their own unique perspective. They have learned from doing life on their own but have also observed others modeling what it is like doing life in a partnership. Yes, experience is a great professor, but it is not the only one. Lack of experience does not equal lack of wisdom. Observation, wisdom, and Scripture have much to teach as well.

Unity and Diversity in the Body of Christ

4 Therefore I, the prisoner in the Lord, urge you to walk worthy of the calling you have received, ² with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, ³ making every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. ⁴ There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope at your calling— ⁵ one Lord, one faith, one baptism, ⁶ one God and Father of all, who is above all and through all and in all.

⁷ Now grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift. ⁸ For it says:

When he ascended on high,
he took the captives captive;
he gave gifts to people.

⁹ But what does “he ascended” mean except that he also descended to the lower parts of the earth? ¹⁰ The one who descended is also the one who ascended far above all the heavens, to fill all things. ¹¹ And he himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, ¹² to equip the saints for the work of ministry, to build up the body of Christ, ¹³ until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of God’s Son, growing into maturity with a stature measured by Christ’s fullness. ¹⁴ Then we will no longer be little children, tossed by the waves and blown around by every wind of teaching, by human cunning with cleverness in the techniques of deceit. ¹⁵ But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into him who is the head—Christ. ¹⁶ From him the whole body, fitted and knit together by every supporting ligament, promotes the growth of the body for building itself up in love by the proper working of each individual part.
– Ephesians 4:1-16

God not only knitted your physical bodies, but, as Paul describes here, He has fitted and knit together you, His body, Church. He desires to use each and every part of you. How do you do that well? Allow the different members of the body to learn from one another. Use the gifts of your people. Again, I am not negating the need for everyone to serve as best they can by serving the different needs of the Church, if they are able. Yet, some of your single family members are serving quietly behind the scenes, coming alongside other singles and couples, encouraging them and doing life with them. What a great service to you, Church! God has gifted His people in different ways, and some of my people possess great wisdom and discernment. Give them space to use what God has given them. Some of them do not feel called to use those gifts by teaching a class but rather through small-group discussions, counseling, or encouraging one another. Embracing your singles and welcoming them into your Sunday School classes allows for the beautiful experience of people in different seasons learning from one another. Your newly married couples have something to teach. So do those who have been married for more than three decades. And if you spend time with my people instead of trying to ‘fix’ their season of life, you will find that there is much you can learn from them. They have so much value and are worthy of doing life with and learning from. Embrace them instead of keeping them boxed in together.

If you find your single brother or sister grieving or lamenting their singleness, volunteer to sit with them in that. For some, they might not be suffering for the faith, but in it. Many of them have denied themselves desires they could not rightly fulfill outside of marriage, and that is not an easy feat. Some of them have also practiced self-denial in their desire to be married, walking away from a potential partner when they discovered that pursuing or continuing to deepen the relationship would mean becoming unequally yoked.

When obedience itself has cost someone something they deeply wanted, don’t rush in to explain away the grief and lament. Sit with them. Do as Casey mentioned in her last entry: bear that burden with them. You, Church, are called to ^“Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). You might not understand the grief, but they are feeling it deeply. Not understanding it does not make it invalid. Please do not automatically go into matchmaking. There is a time and place for that, only if that person is comfortable with it. But their point of grief is neither the time nor the place.

They do not need to be “fixed.” Being in my season does not mean they are broken. I know some of my people who, after being in this season for a very long time, have begun to wonder if something is wrong with them. Perhaps that must be the reason they are chronically single. Yes, they might need to grow in some things, but so do those who are in the married season. Do not automatically assume that a matchmaker needs to step in. If they ask for your help, wonderful. If you feel the desire to offer, ask them how they feel about it and respect their answer if they decline. And if they welcome your help, I beg of you: know your people. Know both parties well.

Going back to their place of lament and grief, for the love of all things that are holy, do not tell them that their lament is discontentment with God. Casey likes to point to the Psalms a great deal in her entries, so I will model this after her regular format. David cries out to God in Psalm 13:
“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long will I store up anxious concerns within me,
agony in my mind every day?
How long will my enemy dominate me?

³ Consider me and answer, Lord my God.
Restore brightness to my eyes;
otherwise, I will sleep in death.
⁴ My enemy will say, “I have triumphed over him,”
and my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.

⁵ But I have trusted in your faithful love;
my heart will rejoice in your deliverance.
⁶ I will sing to the Lord
because he has treated me generously.“

Church, did you see that? David lamented, but he still trusted in God. His grief did not negate his faith, nor did trusting in God require him to pretend that he was not grieving. Lament and discontentment are not the same.

Also, do not tell them that God will give them a husband or wife once they are content in my season. Listen, Linda, I know you are lying! You were in my season just last year, and I didn’t see you completely content and perfectly happy about sitting at my table… Pardon me. I have spent a long time with Casey. Moving on… Church, God has made no such promise. Contentment is not a prerequisite for marriage, nor is it a bargaining chip for marriage. That’s not contentment. It’s a transaction.

It is also giving false hope that you will never struggle with contentment once you get married. Church, if you are not careful, you can easily find reasons to be discontent no matter what season you find yourself in. Contentment is not something my people must master before they are allowed to leave my table. It is something all of you, Church, must learn at whatever table you presently find yourself. Singles need to learn contentment even while longing for a spouse. Married people need to learn contentment when they discover that living their marriage vows does not always look as rosy from their table as it did from mine. People who so desperately want children need to learn contentment as they pick up the test and it says negative yet again. Parents overwhelmed by children need to learn contentment when that precious chaos runs rampant through the living room. You keep giving my people lectures about contentment as if I’m the only table where everybody struggles with it.

Paul speaks to contentment in Philippians 4:11. “ I don’t say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself.” Notice that, Church. This is coming from a man who knew prison. He knew what it was to be beaten, to suffer for his faith. This man survived a shipwreck, found himself on an island, and was bitten by a snake. Paul did not say he had learned to be content because his circumstances had finally become comfortable enough. He had learned to be content in any circumstance. Learning contentment is not one and done. Contentment is a daily practice in whatever circumstance, whatever table, and whatever season you are in. So please, do not pretend you have it perfected when counseling those beloved sitting at my table.

Speaking of Paul, Church, we need to have a conversation about the way you use our brother’s words when speaking to my people. I may be wrong, but I am probably not when I say that if he were here, he would be writing this letter instead of me.

Yes, Paul spoke very highly of me. We got along splendidly. Yet, there are a few things he has said that I have heard you, Church, repeat to my people. You use 1 Corinthians 7:8 to “comfort” them, as if that would be comforting. “I say to the unmarried and to widows: It is good for them if they remain as I am.”

I saw you, the one who sits at my table, shift in your chair, uncomfortable and discouraged when you read this or heard me, of all people, quote this. These are not my words, so please don’t look so betrayed. Paul said what he said. Please let me hold your hand for a moment when I say: I agree with him. I can be very good. But Church, the problem is that you’re quoting a statement about the goodness of singleness as though it should be the conclusion to someone’s grief and longing for a spouse.

And why do we ignore the verse before that one? “⁷I wish that all people were as I am. But each has his own gift from God, one person has this gift, another has that.” Yes, Paul is wishing that all people were like he was, but in the very same breath, he acknowledges that his experience is not everyone’s experience. Each has his own gift from God. He spoke highly of his time at my table, and he wanted others to share in that. Yet Paul himself immediately understood that his particular gift was not everyone’s gift. This will be somewhat of a silly example, but I am using it nonetheless. Think of Christmas, Church. Imagine one person opening a box and being thrilled to find socks, holding them up for all to see. Another opens the exact same thing and wonders what they had done to deserve this while trying really hard to look grateful. Did the gift itself change? No, but people are different, and they will not all respond to the same gift in the same exact way.

Of course, Paul is speaking of gifts from God, not Christmas socks, and his point is that each has his own gift, not that everyone sitting at my table has been given the exact same gift. My point is that he did not assume what was good for him must therefore be the blanket standard gift given to everyone else, nor did he say that my people shouldn’t long for a spouse as they learn contentment in the process.

This next phrase is infuriating. “God will bring you a spouse in His timing.” Can we please discontinue the subscription to making promises on God’s behalf that cannot be found in the Bible? Not just here in this topic, but across the board? If it isn’t found in the Bible, don’t promise it. Do not make promises on God’s behalf that He Himself has not made. For one, God has never promised that everyone will have a spouse. What if marriage is not in their future? You are giving them the extra burden of false hope. “In His timing.” Very spiritual. Yes, God’s timing is not ours. Yes, there are seasons of waiting on the Lord, but again, what if marriage is not part of their future? They are already waiting on their own, with their own hopes and dreams, while trying their best to align those desires with God’s will. Do not make it more difficult than it already is. Please stop putting words in God’s mouth.

Church, you can be a supportive companion to my Beloved people. Do life with them. Invite them to your table and household and accept their invitation when they invite you to theirs. Their homes can often be empty and lonely. Be willing to fill that lonely space. Their home, though it may not look like yours, is still as important as yours, and so is their table. Your single brothers and sisters are not a Church ministry project, but your family. Build that relationship.

Church, love those who sit at my table. Do not treat them as if they are incomplete, waiting for their lives to begin. Invite them to your table and sit at theirs. Learn from them. Rejoice and weep with them. Both of you are the Church, so serve alongside one another, whatever way that may look like. As the body, you are all brothers and sisters in Christ. All of you are beloved children of God. May you learn to glorify God well together. There is more I could say, but I will show some restraint. For now.

Sincerely,
Singleness
on behalf of my people

Selah: If you are married, how are you loving your single brothers and sisters in Christ? Are you willing to sit with them during their moments of lament? How can you actively do life with them, while compassionately helping them bear this burden?